


What You Don't Say

by ThisIsLitaE



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Barisi - Freeform, Conflict, Episode: s18e15 Know it All, Hurt Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr., Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Secret Relationship, Secrets, Whump, lover's spat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-13
Updated: 2020-04-16
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:54:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23628001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThisIsLitaE/pseuds/ThisIsLitaE
Summary: The one thing you decide not to disclose is the one thing they’ll use to destroy you.When Rafael tries to recuse himself from the Willard investigation, information comes to the surface that affects his relationship with Sonny, the one he loves most.Not only does Rafael have to confess something shameful from his past, it seems that Sonny is holding on to a dark secret of his own.Based around the events of the episode Know it All (S18E15)
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 65





	1. Rafael's Reveal

_The one thing you decide not to disclose is the one thing they’ll use to destroy you._

Throughout his many years as a prosecutor, Rafael Barba had lived by those words. He had repeated variations of the warning to witnesses for as long as he could remember. When the advice was followed, it won cases and put away criminals for their heinous actions.

It seemed a sick joke that his own omissions were likely going to destroy his life. Despite recusing himself from the Willard rape investigation, Rafael knew further attempts to keep his biggest secret were futile. It hadn’t taken Olivia long to find out about his payments to Ashtonja Abreu, which forced him to confess his part in the mother’s overdose.

To get out ahead of it, and stop any false allegations, Rafael had told the DA who was now making a decision on his professional future. He hoped that he wouldn’t be let go but could never be truly sure. Suspension was the most likely possibility.

Rafael still had not told Sonny the whole story. The detective had been texting and calling, naturally wondering what was going on. The ever confident ADA had no idea how to begin the inevitable conversation with his boyfriend. There was no way to predict what would happen when secrets from both ends were revealed.

After the SVU squad had secured a warrant for Attention Inc. without him, Willard decided to give Rafael a parting shot. They had clearly found out he and Sonny were in a relationship, likely by hacking his texts or emails. It would be the only reason for them to send the ADA documents revealing that the detective had a rather interesting secret of his own.

Rafael had tried not to take the bait and convince himself Sonny’s past was not his business. He couldn't let Attention Inc. screw up his life more than they already had. Yet he couldn’t control his mind wondering about the details, wanting to make sense of it all.

His phone rang once again, Sonny’s name and picture flashing on the screen. Knowing it wasn’t going to go away, Rafael accepted the call and put the phone to his ear.

Sonny wasted no time, not even allowing for a greeting. “Finally! Listen, what’s going on? The Lieutenant said that you may not be working with us anymore. Talk to me, Rafael.”

“I’m sorry. I can’t talk about this over the phone.” Rafael sighed softly before confessing what he really wanted. “I just need you here, with me.”

“I’m coming over right now.” Sonny’s tone was full of worry and his breathing heavy. “You can tell me everything. I love you.”

“I love you, too. I’ll see you soon.” Rafael replied with defeat, his heart beating fast with anticipation.

Pouring a scotch, he hoped the smooth taste would calm the buzz of the day’s many coffees. He tried to reassure himself that he and Sonny loved each other, that with effort they could get through this. He wanted to believe it but the evidence at hand offered a number of possibilities. This wasn't just another court case he could spin, it was personal.

What if Sonny thought his actions went too far? The detective was particularly sensitive when people did things to hurt children. Sonny, yet to try a case on his own, had very little idea of what information didn’t make the law journals and case studies. Rafael was sure some of the controversial tactics the detective had seen was the reason Sonny was hesitant to make the jump from the precinct to the courtroom.

Then there was Sonny’s own secret. The other side of the story, still half unknown. Rafael wasn’t sure he wanted to find out the rest. Was if it was the one unsaid thing that would destroy them?

The buzz of his doorbell indicated that the answers to all his questions would soon be known. He didn’t need to check to see if it was Sonny. He just pressed the unlock button for the building’s security door.

Rafael took a few deep breaths, rehearsing in his mind what he needed to say. He opened the door just as Sonny was about to knock. At the sight of his boyfriend, all self-control went out the window.

“Rafael, I’ve been-“

Rafael barely let him start before pulling him in for a desperate kiss. If there was a chance that their relationship was over, he wanted to enjoy every last minute.

Sonny trailed off the sudden kiss and pulled back. “Alright, I’m here.”

“Shush!” Rafael commanded and grabbed Sonny in another hungry kiss.

His tongue coaxed an opening in his boyfriend’s mouth and a moan escaped him as their tongues met. Rafael gripped at Sonny’s hips in case he dared move away. He made sure to appreciate every inch, savouring every taste of the mouth dancing against his own.

Once again, Sonny was easing off the passions, this time with soft closed mouth kisses. Rafael felt the hand rubbing soothing circles between his shoulder blades. He finally dared to look up at Sonny’s ice blue eyes, keeping their foreheads pressed together.

“I’ve got you, Rafael. I’ve got you.” Sonny whispered to Rafael in his arms, his eyes filled with genuine concern. “As much as I’d love to continue all that, you can’t avoid talking to me forever.”

“How about a short recess and we’ll continue after I make love to you?” Rafael quipped, hoping to break the tension and delay the inevitable.

Sonny chuckled at Rafael’s banter, touching his boyfriend’s cheek. “I know what they’re saying can’t be true but I gotta tell you, this whole thing is kinda scaring me. Talk to me.”

Rafael took Sonny’s hand and led him to the couch in the living area. He kept his boyfriend’s hand sandwiched between his own as they sat together. Unable to meet Sonny’s eyes right away, his gaze focused on their joined hands. Feeling Sonny’s hand squeeze his reassuringly, Rafael found the strength to look his boyfriend in the eye and reveal his story.

He told Sonny about the case and the crimes that had been committed. He revealed the key witness was a heroin addict, Marianna Abreu. He confessed about giving Marianna money for heroin so she could testify and put the bad men behind bars where they belonged.

He pretended not to notice Sonny’s hands slipping from his as he talked about the overdose that resulted. He ignored the sting in his chest as he explained the reasoning for his payments to help out Ashtonja. He wished Sonny would look at him as he finished and the tense air hung between them.

Sonny’s head was in his hands, taking it all in. He took a deep breath before finally speaking. “You sent a heroin addict to get high so you could help win your case, leaving a kid without her mother?”

“I did it because it was the only way to put away men who did horrible things.” Rafael replied, reaching out to touch Sonny’s arm. “Sometimes no matter how hard you research and plan a case, you can get blindsided.”

Sonny stood up, pulling away from the affection. He shook his head, unable to quell the anger that was surfacing. “Then you find another way! Surely you could have found something instead of shooting up a junkie.”

Rafael tried to remain composed, but his emotions were getting the better of him. “Save your fresh out of law school idealism. I made a decision and I am atoning for the consequences. I thought you would be able to understand that. Honestly, if I had a do over I would take the exact same steps to save the lives that could be lost if those men went free.”

Sonny finally turned back to look at him, his stare had turned completely cold. “Also doesn’t hurt your big brass ego to get another win in your column, whatever laws you have to bend to get there.”

Rafael threw his hands up in disbelief, holding back the tears in his eyes that threatened to escape. “Wow! Don’t hold back, Detective, tell me how you really feel.”

“Screw you!” Sonny snapped without thought. He jabbed a finger towards Rafael’s chest.” You know you wouldn’t have kept it a secret from me if you didn’t think that what you did was messed up.”

“I kept it from you to avoid this very fight.” Not backing down, Rafael finally allowed his own anger to surface. “When do you think would be a good moment to tell someone you love about something like that? After our first night together? That one weekend we managed to get away together? Maybe our dinner date to celebrate you passing the bar, just so you know what you’re getting into.”

Sonny paused to consider his boyfriend’s words. He let out a frustrated sigh. “If you truly love that person, then you find a way. Now, I think I should go before either of us says something we regret.”

As Sonny was turning to leave, Rafael was almost tempted to let him. He didn’t want to fight anymore, not with the person he loved so much. But he also couldn’t let go of the other secret hanging in the air.

Rafael stormed after Sonny and blocked the doorway, preventing him from leaving. “So I assume you’ve told me about all the questionable things you’ve done? Or are you the one cop that hasn’t bent the law during a UC operation in order to put bad people in prison.”

“You are not seriously trying to put this fight on me! Snorting a little snow to earn a dealer’s trust is a little different than paying off a kid because you had a hand in their mother’s death.” Sonny stepped closer to Rafael, trapping him between the door and his body, hoping he would get the hint and move.

“Well, you wanted to talk secrets. You said that if you truly loved someone you would find a way.” Rafael wasn’t sure if he felt more hurt or fury as the words escaped from his lips. “Yet you never found a way to tell me about Beatrix De Luca. You know, your wife!”

All the ire left Sonny’s face in an instant. He stepped back in shock and realisation, running a hand through his hair. The only sound in the apartment was the two men's deep breathing until Sonny found the strength to speak. 

“How did you find out?”

Rafael channelled his lawyer voice, trying to present the facts without the whirlwind of emotion. He didn’t want to show any more vulnerability to his boyfriend.

“The same way that everything has happened in this investigation. Attention Inc. were paying attention. When you managed to get the warrant without me, they decided they weren’t content with only screwing up my career. So they found out about our relationship and decided to drop me a copy of your marriage certificate and...” Rafael felt bile in the back of his throat, just as he had when he first received the information. “…emails from Beatrix enquiring about domestic violence shelters.”

Sonny’s hands were balled into fists, but it was clear there was no fight left in him. A rogue tear fell down his cheek. “We’re divorced now. It happened-“

“You don’t have to say anything. I know even at your worst you would never do that.” Rafael interrupted as he stepped away from the door. He headed back towards the living area, feeling the desperate need for a scotch.

Sonny grabbed Rafael’s arm as he passed. He gave the elbow a squeeze. “Just let me explain.”

Rafael turned to his boyfriend. He took the hand from his elbow and brushed his lips over the knuckles. “I love you, Sonny. But I can’t right now. You should go.”

He kept walking, passed the living area and the scotch he was craving. Rafael kept going until he ended up in the bathroom, shutting the door to separate them. Gripping the sink, he listened for the sound of Sonny leaving.

After two minutes of silence, Rafael felt the urge to go to Sonny and sort things out. Another minute of stubbornness passed and he let go of the sink, preparing to give in. However, just as he was about to exit the bathroom, he finally heard the front door close.


	2. Carisi's Reveal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael has found out about Sonny's ex-wife.  
> Now all the baggage Sonny has tried to leave behind will finally come out.  
> He hopes Rafael will still be there for him at the end.

“So, Carisi, are you going to tell us about her?”

Sonny was jolted from his thoughts as Amanda’s question sent him into a panic. How many people now knew the details about his failed marriage? How much did they know? Was Rafael going around telling people?

“Whoa, didn’t mean to startle you.” Amanda laughed at her wide eyed partner. “I’ll let you off the hook but we’ll soon find out who Miss 34B is.”

As Rollins walked over to the coffee machine, Sonny let out a sigh of relief. The last thing he wanted was to have people digging around in his personal life even more. If one pop up ad provoked Rollins and Fin’s nosey questions, he could only imagine the grilling he’d get about an estranged wife.

He hated that Rafael had found out about Beatrix, feeling even worse that he wasn’t the one to tell his boyfriend. But, as Rafael had said, was there ever a right time to bring up the decade old baggage? He’d spent the night unable to sleep and still no answer to that question.

The truth is he had tried to forget Beatrix and put the past behind him. It had been painful enough waiting a whole year for a divorce on the grounds of abandonment. He felt too ashamed to talk about it, even with his family, not knowing who to trust. The unfounded rumours Beatrix planted of him being abusive made things even harder. Sonny figured that no-one would believe his side of things even if he tried.

Nevertheless, Sonny had kept moving and succeeded in rebuilding a life for himself. He worked hard and prayed, eventually becoming a detective and going to law school. He had even managed to open his heart again once he met Rafael.

Sonny knew that his reaction to Rafael’s revelation was more about his own fears than anything else. It was partly his own fault for putting his boyfriend on a pedestal. He wasn’t sure his heart could handle being screwed over again, so he’d ended up blaming Rafael for not being perfect.

He picked up his phone and scrolled through the contacts, staring at Rafael’s name. Sonny wanted to apologise and explain his side of the story before anything else came to light. Then he thought back to the previous evening, Rafael’s soft kiss to his hand and a request for space.

The detective’s thumb shook with hesitation before he decided to lock his phone. Desperate as he was to just hear his lover’s voice, Sonny knew he had to give Rafael some time. He had decided to skip Willard’s arraignment for that very reason. That and his urge to beat the crap out of the tech genius murderer was way too high.

Sonny continued to keep busy by typing up his reports. The problem with monotonous paperwork is that it allowed for his mind to wander freely. He paused for a moment and considered doing a search on Beatrix, to see if she was in the system or even still in New York. Before he knew it he’d stopped typing and had just been staring at his screen for ten minutes, wondering what to do and how much he really wanted to know.

“Carisi? Hello, are you with me?”

Sonny slammed his laptop shut before realising there was nothing to hide. He felt a little embarrassed being startled by Rollins once again. There was no way he was going to think clearly that day.

“I have to go. Can you cover for me?” Sonny asked, quickly packing up his computer and notes for a hasty getaway.

“Of course. Is everything okay?” Rollins placed a concerned hand on his arm.

“No, it’s not.” Sonny replied bluntly, storming towards the elevator without elaborating. He half expected Rollins to follow him and was relieved when she didn’t.

The cold air hit him the moment he stepped outside. Sonny wasn’t sure where he was going but he just kept walking. Block after block, the detective kept pacing non-stop to release the nervous energy building inside. He wanted to throw up even though he had barely eaten. His paranoid mind half expected Beatrix to suddenly jump out at him after all these years.

Sonny wasn’t sure how long he’d continuously circled city blocks before going home. He looked his phone while stepping into the elevator. A pang of disappointment hit him when he saw that Rafael hadn’t called.

He decided to send him a text, asking about the meeting with the DA, when the doors opened to his floor. Rafael was standing on the other side.

Sonny smiled for the first time that day as he stepped off the elevator. “You’re here.”

Rafael smiled back in reply. “Well this is a relief. I thought you may have been pretending you weren’t home.”

“You know I’d never do that to you. I’ve been wanting to talk to you all day but I know you wanted space.” Sonny reached for Rafael’s hand but let it drop at the last second before sighing. “Just so you know, I’m sorry for losing my temper last night.”

Rafael picked up Sonny’s hand and squeezed it in his own. “Well you get a hot blooded Italian and a mouthy Latino in a relationship, we were bound to have an intense fight at some point.”

“Now that we have let’s never do it again.” Sonny met his boyfriend’s eyes, his eyes welling up with emotional tears. “I don’t want to lose you, Rafael.”

“You haven’t and you won’t.” Rafael pulled the detective into his arms, planting comforting kisses on his boyfriend’s temple. “Are you okay?”

Sonny moved so his forehead pressed against Rafael’s. “Shouldn’t I be asking you that? How did your meeting with the DA go?”

“Suspension for a month but what’s done is done and that’s not what I’m worried about right now.” Rafael cupped Sonny’s cheek, continuously running his thumb back and forth across the skin. “Now are you going to invite me in or are we just going to stand by the elevator all night?”

Sonny led Rafael back to his apartment. Once at the door, he leaned in and pressed their lips together softly. Despite the warmth from the closed mouth kiss, he still found himself jittery with anxiety as they entered the apartment.

Sonny threw off his jacket and headed to the fridge to get himself a drink. “I suppose you have some questions about…everything.”

“I do. But if you don’t want to talk about it, I’m open to you doing something else with your mouth.” Rafael tried his best to break up the tension with a little banter, but it was obvious that a long talk was necessary to unburden Sonny.

“Do you want a beer or something?”

“I’d prefer scotch but I’ll take what I can get.” Rafael grabbed the bottle offered to him and took a sip. “I have a feeling I’m going to need it.”

Sonny walked over to the small window in his living area. He stared out at the street and buildings and shook his head. “I never hit her. I need you to know that.”

“As I told you last night, I know you’re not capable of that.” Rafael came to stand beside Sonny, joining his boyfriend in staring out the window. He put a hand on Sonny’s back to reassure the detective he was there.

“Beatrix…I can barely say her name without being reminded of how stupid I was. She was so beautiful and she said all the right things. She probably had me pegged from a mile away.” Sonny took a gulp of his beer and sighed as the memories of that time came right back to him. “I’d been watching everyone around me finding love, having kids and settling down. When she came along I thought it was finally my turn.”

Rafael turned from the window to look at his boyfriend. “So what did happen between you two?”

“Proposed after six months together, married at eight. A few people warned me about going too fast but stubborn Sonny just had to lock it down.” Sonny could feel Rafael’s concerned stare on him, but still couldn’t bring himself to meet his eyes. “I always believed that marriage was for life. Anything to make her happy, I obliged. All I could think about was how lucky I was, making it that much easier for her to bleed me dry.”

“When you got suspicious she accused you of abusing her?”

Sonny scoffed in reply. “I wish I’d caught on that fast. But she knew how to work me. She mentioned that she wants to have children.”

Rafael took a sip of his beer as Sonny paused. It was hard to say if it was the beer or his intuition making the ADA feel sick. He put the bottle on the nearest table. “Then what happened?”

“Me, I’m over the moon. Any doubts about our relationship were replaced with dreams of finally having a son or daughter. But there was a problem. She spins this sob story about a teenage miscarriage, saying she needs fertility treatments as a result. I’m diving into savings and working maximum OT to pay for non-existent treatments. I found out later she was hitting up my mother and my sister Theresa for money as well, claiming I was too proud to talk about it directly. Anything for family, right?”

Rafael slid his arm around Sonny’s waist and planted a kiss to his boyfriend’s shoulder. Sonny briefly glanced at the window to look at him, then turned back to hide his obvious tears.

“I don’t know how far she planned to go. She clearly believed taking responsibility first would stop me from going to get tested myself. If she picked a male with a bigger ego she probably could have kept it going for a few more months.” Sonny’s hands trembled and he dropped his beer to the floor. His shook heavily as his resolve cracked completely.

Rafael grabbed on to his upset lover. He tried to lead Sonny over to the couch but the two men just sank to the floor. Rafael tried to calm Sonny down, feeling the pain in his chest knowing he couldn’t do anything to take away his boyfriend’s awful past. All he could do was hold Sonny and hope that it was enough in the moment.

“I find out I can’t have kids, Rafael. No matter how bad I want it or how hard I pray." Sonny sobbed openly into Rafael’s shoulder as the tears flooded down his face. "And then-"

Rafael kissed Sonny to quiet him, continuing a trail of affection across his cheek. "It's okay, you don't have to say anymore. I'm here."

The ADA held on to Sonny, rubbing his back and whispering soothing words into his ear. Sonny squeezed his boyfriend tight as though afraid he’d run away too. For a while they just sat tangled in the embrace on the floor. Eventually Sonny’s breathing evened out as the tears stopped. He savoured the warmth of Rafael’s arms as a gentle heartbeat filled his ears.

“You’ve been holding on to that for too long.” Rafael stroked the tear tracks on Sonny’s face before pressing a sweet kiss to his lips. “Time to let someone take care of you now.”

Sonny followed Rafael’s lead to the couch. He was made to lay down, his head resting comfortably in Rafael’s lap. Fingers combed through his hair, causing a rush of tingles throughout his body. Sonny rolled over so he could stare up at his boyfriend.

“That feels really good.” Sonny whispered before letting out a hum of approval. He let himself relax completely into Rafael’s touch. “I love you so much.”

“I love you, too.” Rafael moved his fingers to gently massage Sonny’s earlobe.

Sonny shut his eyes, feeling the need to confess what he truly felt. “I never thought I’d find love again until I met you and I don’t want to keep us a secret anymore.”

Rafael began tracing circles across Sonny’s neck with his fingertips, causing a slight ticklish twitch. “Can’t say I want to keep secrets either after everything that’s happened.”

“Just be prepared for the squad to be up in our business. I mean, Bella uses my computer once for online shopping while I’m watching my niece. One pop up ad for bras at work later, I’m getting asked about my non-existent girlfriend.”

Rafael let out a laugh in response. He trailed his fingers back into Sonny’s hair, enjoying the strands between his fingers. “As long as you’re sure.”

Sonny’s phone began to chime and vibrate from his pocket. He groaned at the interruption and reached to grab it. “It’s the Lieutenant, probably wondering why I skipped out – hey!”

Rafael snatched Sonny’s phone and declined the call. “You are not dealing with anything work related right now. Tonight is about me taking care of you. Let me deal with Liv.”

Sonny sat up and took his phone back. “You don’t have to do that.”

Rafael placed a gentle hand over the phone, trying to coax the detective into handing it over. “I love you and I want to.”

“I suppose we agreed no more secrecy and I don’t want to explain myself right now.” Sonny gave Rafael’s hand a quick squeeze before slipping him the phone. He managed a grateful smile as he did so. “Thank you for everything.”

“If you want to thank me then get a shower running and I’ll join you in a few minutes.” Rafael replied while pressing the phone to his ear to call Olivia back.

Sonny walked towards the bathroom, listening to Rafael’s side of the conversation. As the weight of secrets lifted from his shoulders, hope took its place. Glancing back quickly at the man he loved, Sonny opened himself to the possibility of getting married again – this time for keeps.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are a few refs to the Episode: Know It All - including the mystery of Miss 34B  
> Was inspired to write it after Barba's line "Not everything done in the dark is shameful" because a secret Barisi relationship is nothing to be ashamed of.  
> I found this chapter hard to write, but I'm glad I finished it.

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired during an SVU quarantine binge watching session.  
> So, who enjoys a dose of Lawyer Boyfriends drama?  
> Part 2: Carisi's Reveal will probably be up within the next few days.


End file.
